Camp Crybabies Park Management

[Jim]

CAMP CRYBABIES — NEW PARK RULES

Effective immediately due to an unprecedented increase in complaining.
​

Due to the recent surge in Camp Crybabies, the following rules will be strictly enforced.

Please remember: camping is an outdoor activity. Unfortunately, the outdoors contains nature, smells, sounds, weather, animals, and, worst of all, other people.

1. NO FIRES

Absolutely no campfires. Someone might smell smoke, and we simply cannot allow one camper to enjoy a traditional camping experience when another has reserved the right to breathe only the exact air they personally approve of.

If you must have a fire, submit a written request 30 days in advance, including wind direction, humidity, barometric pressure, and a notarized statement promising not to offend anyone's nostrils.

2. ALL DOGS MUST BE SILENT

Dogs may not bark, whine, growl, sniff loudly, breathe heavily, or otherwise acknowledge the existence of another living creature.

If your dog makes a single noise, you will immediately be classified as a Terrible Pet Owner.

Meanwhile, the neighbors' crotch goblins may scream at the top of their lungs for five consecutive hours because they're simply "expressing themselves."

Their parents assure us they're angel babies.

We're not saying they're assholes.

We're just saying the evidence is overwhelming.

3. QUIET HOURS ARE NOW 24/7

Talking, laughing, music, cooking, walking, sneezing, and generally enjoying yourself are strictly prohibited.

However, if a child is screaming like they've just been kidnapped at 2:17 a.m., that's perfectly acceptable.

Apparently that's different.

4. NO WIND

Wind may carry smoke, laughter, food smells, leaves, pollen, and other unacceptable outdoor experiences into someone's reserved bubble.

If you notice wind occurring, please contact park management immediately.

We will speak with Mother Nature.

5. NO COOKING FOOD THAT SMELLS GOOD

Bacon, burgers, sausage, barbecue, coffee, onions, garlic, and basically anything worth eating are prohibited.

If someone can smell your dinner from their campsite, you must immediately apologize for making them hungry.

6. NO HAVING TOO MUCH FUN

Laughter may disturb campers who came here specifically to sit in silence and monitor everyone else's behavior.

Please keep enjoyment at a reasonable level.

Preferably zero.

7. VEHICLES MUST OPERATE SILENTLY

No doors may slam.

No engines may start loudly.

No trucks may back up.

No trailers may squeak.

And absolutely NO BEEPING.

If your vehicle makes noise, please push it home.

8. CAMP CHAIRS MUST REMAIN MOTIONLESS

Rocking chairs, swings, hammocks, and other recreational seating devices are prohibited.

Someone may see you relaxing and become offended that you're having a better time than they are.

9. NATURE MUST BE KEPT UNDER CONTROL

Birds must stop chirping during quiet hours.

Cicadas must comply with all noise ordinances.

Crickets receive one warning.

Any squirrel observed looking suspiciously toward another campsite should be reported immediately.

10. NO GRILLING AFTER DARK

The smell of grilled food can travel approximately 25 feet and could cross someone's imaginary property line.

We simply cannot risk it.

11. CHILDREN ARE EXEMPT FROM ALL NOISE RULES

Children may yell, scream, throw objects, run through campsites, kick balls into your tent, and shout "MOM!" approximately 4,700 times per hour.

This is considered normal childhood behavior.

A dog barking twice, however, is grounds for immediate eviction.

12. ALL COMPLAINTS MUST BE FILED IN PERSON

Please walk directly to the campsite of the person you're complaining about and announce:

"Hi. I'm having a terrible time, and I'd like to make sure you are too."

13. CAMPING IS FOR EVERYONE

Except people who:

Make fires
Have dogs
Cook food
Laugh
Talk
Play music
Have children
Arrive after 8 p.m.
Leave before 8 a.m.
Snore
Breathe
Exist

Basically, if you could just camp somewhere else, that would be fantastic.

14. FINAL RULE

Remember:

Your campsite is your private little kingdom. Everyone else's campsite is apparently subject to your personal rules.

Please be considerate of your fellow campers.

Unless they're having fun.

Then report them immediately.

Thank you for your cooperation.

— Camp Crybabies Park Management

Where we really don't give a damn.



Credit to a FB Campground Owners Forum

 

[MNC]

With rules like that you would soon be down to 1 camper

 

[Rosy]

Believe me, my wife and I do our best but sometimes the kids are just crazy and there's nothing you can do to calm their crying/screaming/whining/whatever.

 

[T’sOVR&Explore]

Had some coffee blow out my nose upon reading the "crotch goblins" reference!

Great satire. Remember, if you watched Seinfeld reruns: "Gold. Jerry! That's pure gold!!

 

[Neal]

I'm surprised breaking wind isn't restricted to indoors only.

 

[Boat Bum]

The beatings will continue until morale improves!